READ THIS FIRST (Nana, you probably might not want to read this.)

WARNING: The post below contains “swearing”, blasphemy and rambles a lot. You’ve been warned.

Hello fellow Homo sapien (unless you aren’t of my species, in which case, my apologies and please do not hold this against me when you become humanity’s new overlords. I’m told I’m funny, and I can fart on command. I don’t know if that’s a plus, but hey, I’m just throwing it out there.)

Ahem. Right.

No matter your species, welcome to Grin and AmBear it. If I might offer some friendly advice, run while you still can. Seriously. Don’t ask questions just do it.

Alright, if I haven’t managed to dissuade you from reading yet, let me take the opportunity to tell you that you’re (probably) making a huge mistake and also  try to explain the purpose of my blog/ tell you a little bit about myself, I guess.

I am a 20 something female pursuing a PhD in Cell and Molecular Biology that suffers from severe depression and anxiety. So, basically I’m a normal graduate student.  BA DUM PSH. RIM SHOT BITCHES. Because that’s how my brain works when I’m typing. Apparently.

AHH! Perfect segway into some vital information about my blog.

1) I write all my posts in a stream of consciousness, which for anyone who doesn’t know basically means I write what comes to my mind immediately and usually punctuate it as if I were actually speaking the words instead of typing them (the explanation for this below, if you need one*). To be clear, I DO go back and try to edit for grammar and spelling, but my attempts usually end up in me feeling the overwhelming need to clarify or edit or explain something I typed previously.

So, basically what I’m saying is that I’m a shit writer and that all of my posts are going to be riddled with various grammar mistakes. AND THAT’S OKAY WITH ME. It’s my blog, and I do what I want. All that said, feel free to message me about whatever mistakes you find, especially if they are particular heinous. Example: I somehow substitute Hitler for Mother Theresa, or vice versa. Seriously, please don’t say  that I didn’t warn you.  Or incessantly bitch in the comments section.

Things that this will accomplish: 1) Me laughing at you 2) Me laughing at you some more 3) More laughing and 4) You make yourself look like an idiot for commenting on the grammar of a blogger who straight up told you that she doesn’t really care all that much anyway and getting pissed off about it. LULZ.

2) If you haven’t noticed by now, I “swear”. A LOT. Like, SO FUCKING MUCH YOU GUYS I DONT EVEN. An astute reader will notice that I used quotation marks around the word swear. Let me explain, just to get this shit out of the way right now/ so if someone bitches I can just be like “HEY. Go look at #2 on the sticky post NOOB).

Just so you know, I do NOT, I repeat do NOT believe that words people to consider to be swears in the canon vernacular (AKA, Fuck, shit, piss, dick, ass, titties, bugger, douche, damn, goddamnit, etc) are inherently bad words that should be avoided.  Frankly, it’s an entirely bullshit concept. Words do not have an inherent badness (Unless they were specifically created to subjugate other people, which is a different story).

So if I say OMG MY ASSHOLE IS SO ITCHY, I’m not swearing.  Where as, if go up to someone who cut me off in traffic, punch them in the dick and scream “YOU ARE THE BIGGEST SHIT EATING ASSHOLE TO EVER WALK THE FACE OF THIS EARTH I HOPE YOU DIE IN THE FESTERING WOMB OF A DEAD WOMBAT!”, I would be swearing. I mean seriously,  If I look at someone and say “You are a grape-mongering cootie licker”, and I mean the words with negative intent and you can tell I do, it’s swearing. And don’t try to tell me other wise. Jesus even addresses it in the Bible.

Something else you should know, and be warned this might offend people that don’t like words starting in C and ending in Unt: I really like the word cunt, and I even use it sometimes. GASP.

Please, don’t blow my comments/email up because you feel this primal, deep seated urge to  explain how the word cunt demeans women and is awful and how as a woman I shouldn’t use it because I ALREADY KNOW I know all the reasoning behind not using the word cunt. I’ve read extensively about it. Frankly, I don’t really give a shit about the whole issue because the world has bigger problems to fucking deal with than the word cunt. And don’t run to comment or email me right now telling me how I’m supporting othering language and how I’m part of the problem in the war against women and how I should be ashamed blah blah blah.  I will laugh at you.

Tl;DR My blog is not motherfucking Shakesville.  I am not interested in having debates about the acceptable use of words.  I am not interested in lectures telling me that I am a young lady and that using foul language is unacceptable. The word cunt makes me giggle, I smile and laugh when I hear or use the words fuck, damn, ass, etc in conversation. They are just words to me. That’s it. Fin.

FYI, and I just thought of this because I’m imagining my mom reading this post and calling me to say “Potty mouth”, I would like to point out that there is a Spongebob episode that refers to “swear words” as sentence enhancers. That episode made me drop my panties so fast I didn’t even know what was happening until I felt a cool draft upon my buttocks. Yeah. That’s right. Songebob be droppin’ dem panties.

See what I mean about random stream of consciousness (FUCK THIS WORD FOR BEING SO HARD TO SPELL AT 5 IN THE MORNING ALL OF TH RAGE)? Yeah. That’s what this blog is going to be like. But it’s for a good purpose. Here’s  Important fact about Amber’s Blog #3

3) I am struggling with severe anxiety and depression, and I am writing this blog because I think it will help me to put my feelings into words and possibly get feed back on them. It’s one of the few things I haven’t really tried.

Truthfully, and in all seriousness, I’ve been struggling with this disease my whole life.  And yes depression is a disease and if you think otherwise, well, you have more problems than I do, probably. More on this later when I’m feeling appropriately ranty.

Back on topic: I’ve chosen to struggle with my depression alone for most of my life. I spent a long time thinking that I was defective, and that I just needed to get happy. This made me not reach out to anyone until I finally had too much and almost had a mental break down. My best friend encouraged me to get help, and it was and IS the best decision I have ever made in my life.  But going to therapy for a year didn’t cure my depression, as much as I wanted it to. And so I have been suffering mostly in silence.

Well guess what crippling anxiety that is trying to make me believe that no one cares about me or my problems: I don’t want to do that anymore. Quite frankly, it sucks giant shit coated donkey balls, and I’m not a fucking martyr.

Also, to clear up another issue: No, I am not at all suicidal. At all, I promise. I am currently in therapy and have been assessed, and  my counselist has labeled me as the least possible risk of this.

Instead, and I am very thankful for this in a weird, fucked up kind of way, my depression manifests itself in the form of extreme lack of motivation. Basically that translates to this: Some days I wake up and it physically and mentally drains me to get out of bed. If I’m honest, that’s most days. I find it very difficult to enjoy most things right now, and it affects every part of my life. This is very dangerous for me, considering I’m a graduate student and as such I must be self-motivated.  OBVIOUSLY I don’t like this nonsense, but given the alternative, I consider myself, in a way, fortunate.

That doesn’t mean I’m not gonna whoop an ass and try everything I can to get better and get through this depression spell. I’m just stating a sad fact.

Which brings me to important point of info #4

4) One of the main purposes of this blog is to help me get motivated about at least ONE THING in my life. I’ve found that motivation, for me at least, has this weird sort of snowball effect. If I can get myself interested in something, I can feed off of that and use it to get other things done. It sounds really stupid, even to me, but it works. I will be the first person to admit that I enjoy attention and am at least partially narcissistic. What better way to motivate myself than to write a blog about myself and my issues that THE WHOLE INTERNET CAN SEE. It sounds stupid, but so far it’s working?

* If you’re anything like me, and let’s hope you aren’t because OH GOD YOU POOR THING, you saw the asterisk earlier in this post and immediately scrolled to find the explanation. No worries, I’m not like those douche canoe manufacturers that put asterisks next to things and never give the information that they are supposed to represent. Can we all just take a moment to recognize how completely FUCKING ASININE THAT IS? GOD IT FUCKING DRIVES ME CRAZY I COULD RIP MY OWN SPINE OUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT (not literally of course, I kiiiiiiind of need my spine to function and all).

But I digress. The reason that I write this blog in stream of conscious format (seriously, that word basically screams FUCK YOU YOU SUCK every time I type it. I need to find a new word. AUGH) is two fold.

A. I’m fucking spastic as shit and my thoughts interrupt each other all the time, so that’s how my writing comes out.  . Hey, don’t nod along people who know me. Just because you know what I’m talking about doesn’t mean you have to agree. Jesus christ. Everyone’s a critic. And just to reassure any literary inclined people out there, no, I do not turn in assignments or literary documents like this. For most documents that I write, that are like, adult stuff, I go back and rearrange thoughts and edit and corral the chaos on the page into something that resembles and acceptable literary document. Maybe. People tell me I’m a good writer. I’m not very good at believing them be cause FEELS AND DEPRESSION.

2 This reason is a direct consequence of A (Yes. I just mingled letters and numbers, but honestly I’m too lazy to go back and fix it, so fuck it, it stays) and my low self-esteem. I constantly feel the need to self-edit everything I do to try and make it perfect. I mean, EVERYTHING. If I’m making a to-do list and I make a mistake, I throw it away and start a new one. Even if it’s a three page long hand-written document. It doesn’t matter. My brain automatically thinks OH MY GOD WHAT A FAILURE YOU MADE A MISTAKE REDO IT. No, I’m not OCD. Again, I’ve been tested. It shouldn’t be a surprise that when I type anything, I am constantly back spacing and thinking of better, more perfect ways to phrase things. In my mind every draft of a paper is the final version, and there is no room for error AT ALL. If someone asks to read my early drafts of writing, I can literally be paralyzed with fear of letting them read it. If I somehow manage to let inquiring party read the paper, I basically sit in terror waiting for their feedback because I just KNOW they’re going to find out I’m actually a fucking moron who doesn’t know anything and doesn’t deserve to have a degree, let alone be in a Ph.D program. Many people know this as Imposter Syndrome. I fondly refer to it as “JESUS CHRIST BRAIN SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ARE SMART AND YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT JUST WRITE (TM)”.

To combat this, I’ve decided and promised to myself that I will write this blog as I think it. I will do my best not to backspace and try to make something sound more perfect, or funny, or thoughtful. If I edit anything, it will be to add clarity. I will not delete anything from a post.

As a result, I’m sure my posts may sometimes be quite long.  I can see how this might be annoying potential readers, but honestly, if you’re reading my blog because you care about me and want to help, you should be able to get over the fact that you had to pick through information that is only tenuously related to what I’m talking about (and quite possibly not related to the subject at all).

Seriously, I cannot stress enough how much I am not joking about this. I’ve been told many times that my brain works in odd, backward ways and makes connections that aren’t normal.

So, I guess in closing: My posts in this blog will not have perfect grammar, they will likely be lengthy and random as all hell, and I use “swear” words frequently. Fuck. There, see, I’m breaking you in.

That’s just how I am, and I’m trying to learn to love that and live with it.   So I guess what I’m saying is, if you don’t like my blog  don’t read it. If you find yourself tempted to comment on my posts about how I’m so annoying and how I think I’m “OMG SO RANDOMZORZ GAIS IM BOXXY LIKE FOR REAL OMG”, go read something else because this is just how I am, and I’m trying to learn to love me for me.

Hey Mom, I didn’t just tell them to fuck off. BE PROUD OF ME I am SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING LADY.

P.S. Don’t let Nana read this unless you want her to have a heart attack because of how much I’m “swearing.”

P.P.S Nana, if you read this please don’t have a heart attack.

P.P.P.S Nana, if you’re still reading this, I’m assuming you didn’t have a heart attack. CAN I GET AN AMEN FOR GOOD CARDIAC HEALTH? AWWW YEAH. But seriously, if you read these posts and yell at me about them, I’m gonna be super pissed off because I’m warning you and Mom will warn you, and honestly if you don’t know that your grand daughter is super fucked up and uses language you don’t like by now, then you MIGHT need to get tested for Alzheimer’s because I’m pretty sure I say “shit” in front of you on an almost daily basis. I love you, Nana. But I’ve got to be me for this to work, and this is me.

Alright, that’s it for now.



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